Jobless after I became jobless. Driving is not my cup of tea.

A month of driving, I acknowledged that this is not my my next coming "career". Beside being fatigue, lack of concentration. I don't think I am fit for the job. Please be assured that I am not choosy over this job. Sometimes a wrong route, not understanding the road might diminish my sense of confident easily. I feel so lazy at times and it's earlier that I have expected. What can I do after leaving the force? I feel so lost with no direction ahead of me. My life is a failure as of now. My relationship with her is getting from bad to worse. I do'n't think I can provide the basic comfort and dani and mother. I think instead of forcing yourself to live together, it will be better to part our ways. It will be painful but at least I am not dragging anyone along with me. Let me suffer on my own during this darkest moments in life. May be I feel better when I am rockbottom.

Gone were the good life. What I am left now is nothing, nothing but myself.  I am agreeable for a divorce, for a reason, for a good cause.

Tomorrow I might be embarking on a new career for the next 3 years at least.

I passed my PDVL test on the second attempt on 19th Feb 2018. Decided to drive under Uber while I was heading to towards the last few months of my SPF career. It will be tough for the period but I know I will be strong and go through everything calmly. Nothing will beat me down and I know I am tougher after this whole saga. 19th March 2018 will be the day I will be collecting my Honda Vezel and moonlighting as a private hirer driver. I don't considered SPF as a job anymore as I am like a floating soul without any title. Call me and I will come to you, assign me and I will deliver to you. I am just passing my time in the SPF, so much so that I wished to resign at the moment but I can't all because of my wife's Permanent Resident application.

I am not sure if I am able to sustain both jobs at a go and let's just try out during this 5 weeks contract Lion City Rental under Uber. I am looking forward to drive because I know I can do something more out of my situation/plight. It will be tiring for sure but deep down of me, I know I am a willing party under this dire situation. I should quit my beer drinking habit because I don't think that I will have enough time to sleep, not even the thought of drinking and getting myself drunk.

QUIT when you are talking to yourself and the reply is YES. That will form the backbone of your determination on the fight. Find yourself a reason to do so and the motivation to carry on the fight.

Let's pray I will get the 100% concentration while driving and not meet any accident which will be changing my life, not again.

 

Wet tissue, coins box, phone holder, car charger, perfume bottle, mifold child seat booster (with cash card and plastic bag). I am ready to go when tomorrow come.

Hendry Right?

How come she know it's me despite during another number? Is that her sixth sense? May be she can feel my existence even many year had gone by. I will be her guardian angel, where ever I am.... will always be.

 

 

 

(P.S. updated a few days later when I am sober, she obviously search for the phone number in facebook and appparantly one our common friend is my main facebook account, *Face Palm*)

Trouble never come alone during this difficult period of my life

On 09/03/2018, I was called up to my commanding officer's office and was told that my performance bonus grading is D for the year. It means I will get nothing out of it. I had already expected it since I got an impending criminal case against me.

Things are not going well lately, there was a default judgment against me at the state court as my brother's insurance did not cover me. I was ignorance and choose to let the insurance to settle the issue when DIRECTASIA had repudiated on the accident. I was unaware that I need to represent myself and failed to make an appearance when the writ of summons were issued against me. It was festive season when my counter suit law firm did not wish to represent me as I am unable to fork up the claim amount with the legal fee (a deposit upfront).

I need to write an affidavit with my pathetic online excel sheet. Rushed to commissioner of oaths as to endorse on my document. Sent the summons at crimsonlogic in hoping that the district judge will be able to help me to put aside the judgment. Else I will be entirely at fault as there will be a default judgment against me. So many many things that came against me which came at cost., money cost. I am unable to cope it but glad that I had passed my PDVL on 19th Feb 2018 as I will have a temporary job after my resignation. I am in a dilemma. To quit the SPF as to start a afresh as a grab/uber driver or to continue to lead a meaningless life with a cpf contribution to my housing. It is just like a waiting game before my termination from service which will put a stop to the whole saga.

I just want to get over everything and done with it. On the other hand, I need to spare a thought for the housing loan. In a dilemma for sure. Please, give me a sign for a path to be lead.

First Day with Deliveroo on 10/01/2018

On 10/01/2018 I officially started my moonlight business - deliveroo. My daughter was fasnciating that the monent she saw the deliveroo bag, she asked for the photo to taken and that you go. Not a bad day to end with 2 trips with $13 earn between 6-9pm. Hope for some good days. Night.

Charged for Misuse of Computer Act

The accident on 16th April 2017 had changed my life. On 30th November 2017, the news was delivered to me. I will definitely be charged for Misuse of computer act, Sec 3(1) Cap 50A n the unauthorised usage of computer material. That was after a long wait of 7 months and the Singapore Police Force decided to charge me.

My last bit of morale was totally smashed and it was rock bottom. I have to pay for my mistake but running through my mind was all about the repayment of the HDB ( which able to last for 18 months), my child and my aged parents. On top of that, I still have to wait with uncertainy for months. Bonuses all gone.

I had read some of the previous cases where officer got into trouble.

https://www.allsingaporestuff.com/article/police-officer-jailed-illegally-accessing-information-his-wifes-lover?page=2273
Report on 24 Februrary 2014, a Sgt illegally accessed the Ministry of Home Affairs' computer system with the intention of retrieving personal information of his wife's lover was jailed for 18 weeks.


http://www.asiaone.com/singapore/cop-fined-unauthorised-search
Report on 30 April 2015, a SSI was charged for three counts of misuse of computer act and two of the charge was taken into consideration, he was fined $4000. On Nov 2011, he lodged in to FOCUS account and conducted the unauthorised search on her mistress. He was interdicted on Dec 2014. The Singapore Police Force (SPF) will be starting disciplinary proceedings against him.


http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/courts-crime/police-officer-fined-10000-for-illegal-search-on-computer-system
Report on 16 September 2015, a SSS do an unauthorised search for his brother-in-law's girlfriend was sentenced to the maximum fine of $10,000. He search for a unit in Tanglin Halt Road which his brother-in-law and his girlfriend wanted to buy. Pleaded guilty to two of seven charges of computer misuse at Police Cantonment Complex in May 2014. Offences came to light in July 2014 after a supervisory audit check on Focus revealed several unauthorised screenings done by him.

1 year 2 month for the whole process

http://www.straitstimes.com/singapore/cop-used-police-computer-to-vet-girlfriend
Report on 20 July 2017, a Sgt was jailed for one month and eight weeks on 10 counts of computer misuse, and one each of perverting the course of justice and criminal intimidation. Twenty-two other charges were considered in sentencing.
Feb 2016, was confronted on his screening history
Dec 2016, suspended on Police Duty
July 2017, convicted.
Disciplinary proceedings will be taken against Hafidz following his conviction.

1 year 5 month for the whole process


This will drag on for many more months and the feeling is so unbearable. I am unable to do anything for now but to wait for the verdict. Tend to sleep much lesser than before and the moment I woke up, the very first thing that came to my mind was about the case. It is the waiting part that kills.

April 2017, a happening month of my life.

This month was considered the most happening month of my life.

(1) Caught for speeding on 4th April , $150 fine 6 demerit points for the first time of my life.

(2) Major car accident on 16th April , injuries with 13 days of Medical Leave. Lawsuit in progress.

(3) Dropped my Iphone 7 128gb on 21st April, phone never recover and gone forever.

(4) Met up with a very long lost bff on 28th April after a swim at senja-cashew CC, thereafter decided to go for a haircut after the swim and met her at Greenridge shopping centre. She accompanied me during the haircut and we chatted a lot while the auntie was cutting my hair. Even so many year of not seeing her, the friendliness feelings are like good old yesterday and never change even so many years on. It was a Friday night and she decided to follow me on Grab car hitch where we picked up passengers along the way. After a few trips, I parked my brother's vehicle back home and went to club July for some drinks.

We ordered two bucket of beer and we started sharing our sweets between our mouth. We kissed and everything just went out of way. Both of us were drunk as I had stopped drinking since the accident (16/04/17-27/07/2017). We continued kissing and took a cab to a playground nearby her house for a heart to heart talk and it was coincidentally 8 years back where we had volka at that same playground, it was shown on the facebook ''on this day event''. We french kiss and under the influence of alcohol, we started to be intimate and we started to be touchy and it went way way beyond what I thought. We met just a few hours ago and it came to a stage of uncontrollable actions. In short we had some obscene act at the playground. We chatted, hugging and kissing and I learned that her mother passed away two week ago due to stage 4 ovary cancer. She cried and I consoled her. I hugged her and gave her comfort because I don't like to see girls cry. I have a soft heart towards them.

I won't know how far we will progress and to what extend but I just let nature take its course. She was sort of my fling as she revealed that she was not intending to get married and have babies. Understand her stand as she was being betrayed by her then husband-to-be before. We were young then and we are in a very very strong bonding before her depature to Australia for studies. She cried in the plane before it take off and I can still remember vividly what she told me. I was also so emotionally upset.

Moving forwards, both of us are is our 30's now and I always believe in fate and destiniy. There is always something happen for a reason and to meet her after so many year after that particular day is fate. I should be working on morning shift on that day and due to the accident, I met her once again. If not for the motorist that collided onto my brother's vehicle, I won't be on medical leave and defintiely will be on duty on 28/04/2017. If I am not driving grab hitch, I won't be along Yishun Avenue 8 and the motorist will not hit onto me. If not for the passenger who booked her location to Yishun Avenue 1, I wouldn't even on that road.

It's always chain of events which eventually lead to an outcome. Every outcome is always called FATE.

You agree?

My grandma passed away on 22/01/2017. She was born in 13/12/1932, departure at the age of 85. She was a very nice lady, always treat me well. But we rarely meet up and only during the festive seasons on Chinese New Year. We don't stay together but only when my auntie went overseas to Italy in 2013 and my grandma stayed with us for a short period of time in July 2013. She has difficulty in walking and she can't really sleep in the middle of the night. She was pitiful whenever I woke up and saw her during the wee hours, her eyes was wide open at the living room. I shouldn't feel this way but can't help myself to feel sad for her. What is the true meaning of living at an old age?

We should ponder. Physically not able and unable to enjoy life to the fullest, we ought to be gone sooner than before. Staying behind will only bear suffering. That's my logic in life, it's applicable to be even at old age. I don't feel sad over her departure, that's life, people come and go.

It's a simple funeral wake with not much visitors around. She lying down there at the void deck of Blk 124 Bedok Reservoir with drizzling over the night of 23/01/2017. At the funeral wake, I saw my cousins whom I never see before in my entire life. Weird feeling.

She was gone, but memories will always bring me back to her to that faithful day, when I was a baby and when our family visited her during Chinese New Year. We ought to be strong knowing the fact that we will leave this world sooner or later, don't feel sad don't feel any regrets. Till then, I will see you grandma somewhere over that place.

Good Bye Grandma.

Emotionals got charged

Lately, I got my emotional feelings back, after riding past the good old past of a relationship, listening to some old love song which can relate to the past. I remember my past 2 ex-gf, whom left a great impact on my love life. One got married with another one got missing since 8 years ago.

It triggered. It can be triggered like a sleeping volcano. The lava always beneath the volcano hill. I thought I was a robot with no feelings but I am wrong. I am a sleeping volcano. Listening to some songs which relates to the past can be astonishing and overwhelming.

I will try and sleep. Being emotional that I could not sleep. I miss them. Yup, it's them when you think I am an asshole for missing so many people. I am just someone who life in the past. I miss the old moments, the time I was with that person.

Emotionless

12 years on, my very first blog entry listed. Now, the interest on blogging on my diary seem to be diminish a little. Is it that I am having less emotions towards everything which I was doing. I am numbed towards everything.



Why I am so different from before? I guess that time changes us, our belief, mindset, perspective in life, which was beyond our control. How we feel towards a certain thing, is something which was felt on our inner self. It will change as we grow old. We called that GROWING UP.

I feel with a heavy feets when it comes to work, I tend to feel more restless during the night shift. May be age is catching up. What can I do now when I am feeling weaker now? It is just waiting for things to happen.

So much things which I hope to change, but where is the courage and determination to do so? I need some belief to stick with, some energy to keep me going. I wanted gym so much, to get a good body cause I know I will feel good and look good with that. Some many 24 hours gym coming up around my neighbourhood, should I go? Be a loner, at least a loner whom was a happy one. Yes, this I promise myself to a better health soonner.

Promotion in 1st June 2016

It should be a good thing to happen in life. Promotion to Senior Staff Sergeant is as good as telling you that your salary had increased reasonably. But to be frank, I don't feel excited over it, I was just surprised that I gotten it in two years time, it should be compensating my previous 10 years of stagnant period. I am slowly catching up with my peers.

Not much things in life that can touch my heart and make me feel something of a real deal. I became someone with less emotional over BIG happening in life. That was beyond my control, even someone around me passed away, a near miss accident which can even cause my life, I don't feel as much as my heart beats a little rapid than usual.

I don't know if it is a good thing or not but there is nothing I can do to change my way of thinking toward things in life. We changed our aspect in life and the perspective we had on a situation, sometimes even without us knowing. We aged as days goes by, bodily and mentally and the scarliest things in that we can only just let how mindset runs on the development.

One day, I might not be around. Dead somewhere due to unforesee circumstances. Let's be happy in a daily basis. May be I should be looking to do things which are meaningful in nature and I think the happiness you obtain via that manner will be much more encouraging.

Performance Bonus: B

My performance bonus is a B, which is equivalent to an over average grading, a two and a half month of bonus + $400, monetary amount which is close to five figure . I was overwhelming over the grading, given the fact that my work performance is of mediocre, in my own perspective. Sometimes if you don't expect too much in life, whichever good points came along will be an incentive.

we do have EXPECTATIONS in life for basically everything we do, feel or experience. Being low in expectation isn''t a shameful to think of. It's down to a person way of expecting things in their mind and projecting it to reality. There's no right or wrong to expect a lot and vice versa.

I have so many wish list in mind, I call that the little expectations in life

1) External Hard Disk
2) 20000mAh Power Bank
3) A Watch - Rolex Yacht Master 116655
4) Bottega Wallet

Correction, item 3 price is crazy, a $30000/- watch for first hand. Damn, I think I will have to stop drink for 10 years (37 days without drinking) before I am able to save that much. Daydreaming....

 

Rolex Yacht Master 116655 (Released in 2015)

Highnoon account SOLD off at SGD$1652

 

17th June 2015, after 8 months of building the above-mentioned account, I decided to sell of my Highnoon account (Killer Hen aka Nighthen to an arabic guy from saudi arabia, asking price of USD$1200. The transaction was completed after the amount of SGD$1652 was remitted via western union. Some told me that I had sold my account cheaply, given the time and effort put up. Spent hours over this game almost everyday, but I think it is time to offload it because this is controlling my life. Have to set my alarm everyday to wake up and play the game because of the rewards cut off time. The game is all about rewards which give me the world standing of 6th. There were days where I had overslept and missed playing the cut off period. This game is a sick game, you play in a daily compeition to complete for number 1 in the competition and it affect your sleep, energy and mood. If you lost a competition after hours of playing, you will feel angry.

 

This game will not last forever and I think it is time to let go at a handsome price. Very handsome. Tabulated from my iTunes store shows that I had spent almost $900/- in this game since 15th November 2013. At least I got back what I had spent with a little profit to go.

 



 

Record breaking weight

My weight is alarming, very atonishing after my holiday lately (Thailand, 19/02-02/02). 81.4kg.

I'm really serious about it and my body start to create a disgusted feel over alcohol. Keep trying and never give up. It's been 3 days without a drop of it. 

Susu!

Good Bye Team Charlie

Since December 2004, I was existence in Team Charlie after posted out from the Police Academy. Throughout my tenure, I had seen through 9 Team Leaders and many of the fellow officers who departed one by one. Often seen people leaving the team and it brings down the 'lost feelings' 'even if someone in the team who departed for good cause. We often make fun of people leaving the team by removing their photo card from the team chart. I was handed my photo card from the team chart a week before leaving. On the surface, it seem like a joking matter among the team mates for the transfer, deep down I started to tell myself that it is time to move on and an emotional feeling felt in me. No doubt that team in the nutshell, is just forming of people together and work as one. It is the affiliation and association relating to the team which makes it hard to leave.

After spending more than 10 years in the team, I guess it is time to say good bye to Team Charlie. There isn't much of a 10 years of a person's life. A good 10 years in the team is something of an achievement. Saddening for sure to leave my team mates after building up so much of a comraderies among us. When it is time to go, I still have to sign off.  I know the current team leader had some reserve in moving me and I am appreciative over his gesture. Till then, we meet again.


 

Day 13 of no alcohol intake, weight: 78.8kg

I had some insomnia last night, when anxiety was known for sleep,it creates a tension in placing yourself to doze off. Tired but feeling in my mind and ready to head off for work in an alert mind but rather a tired body. 

It's encouraging that I don't think of drinking during the night. I somehow realise that my body is adapting in the same way as the way of quit smoking. Resist in the very first few days and maintaining the belief which guide me down the journey on the later stage. It's the very start of payday and hope today will be another new beginning of a month without drinking. It's not hard to accomplish and definitely a must do thing is order to sherd off fats.

After a superb run my first off, my body's engine runs in a stable mode and I don't feel frustrated that easily. As said, way to go !

Day 3 of no alcohol intake, weight: 79.4kg and 5km slow jog

I am equally pleased to be on the right track once again. Ended the night with a 5km slow jog. Can't expect much from myself even when the timing isn't as good as before. At least it's a good kick start as I vowed to bring down my tummy. As of today, my weight was 79.4kg and I want to bring that down as fast as I could.

I meant business. Fat will bring down a person self esteem. I noticed that I did not change my facebook profile picture that much as selfie is not a trend for me anymore. My hair became stubbornly hard and unable to style as before, it's because of the food intake which causes the change. I want a change in me in term of physical appearance.

Look good feel good. Food is something which I can't compromise on so I will have to go for the harder way of losing weight by exercising more.

How long can this stint last? Hope it can last as long as It could.

Cough syrup as a substitute from drinking?

Will there be a perfect substitute from drinking? My 'beer belly' is alarming huge to the degree of exploding. My uniform can no longer hold the horizontal growth of my body and showing sign of tearing and expose of my flesh meat. I have to do something soon and this something got to be drastic and effective. It is always a love-hate relationship with the bottle of beer.

Have I ask myself deep down on the reason for drinking? Feeling cloud nine after intoxication or the blood running in me that is calling the injection of the alcohol. An addiction or I should say a habit should be eliminated from my life, totally I guess not. But by maintaining the tie with it will make you fall deeper just like the demon of tobacco. I can't be social on drinking and smoking for sure, been there done that.

Moving on, a temporary substitute is imminent. Got hold of 2 bottles of cough syrup from the result of MC during the monthly in-service. I know it is not a good solution, a temporary one can at least somehow curb my urge in drinking. Its the first day of June 2015 and hope it will be a good month-head start of non drinking.

Half a bottle of those cough syrup could give me the highness and I am preparing to fall deep sleep with the aid of such abuse, may be for now.

Night world. 

My computer dies on me

It's been always the issue of switching on when the LCD screen showing blank. To make the matter worse, my internet wifi wasn't working. 

It never pour when it rains. Trouble always come in twins. A computer idiot is sourcing out a new cpu before shift.

First Blog in 2015

I just realised that I hasn't been blogging for the past two months. Always wanted to pen down my feelings at times but can't get to drag myself to the keyboard and do the typing. May be there isn't much things to talk about myself lately and I felt every topic is repetition.

There's always a moment of your life that you will be fancy doing certain things. May be blogging is now at the off season of my life. ;)